小说园

第53部分（第4页）

joy　of　my　fellows？　Is　heaven　impatient　for　me；　and　bitter

against　this　earth；　that　I　should　hurry　off；　or　that　I　should

linger　pale　and　untouched？　Is　the　flesh　which　was　crucified

bee　as　poison　to　the　crowds　in　the　street；　or　is　it　as　a

strong　gladness　and　hope　to　them；　as　the　first　flower　blossoming

out　of　the　earths　humus？

CHAPTER　XII

FIRST　LOVE

As　Ursula　passed　from　girlhood　towards　womanhood；　gradually

the　cloud　of　self…responsibility　gathered　upon　her。　She　became

aware　of　herself；　that　she　was　a　separate　entity　in　the　midst　of

an　unseparated　obscurity；　that　she　must　go　somewhere；　she　must

bee　something。　And　she　was　afraid；　troubled。　Why；　oh　why　must

one　grow　up；　why　must　one　inherit　this　heavy；　numbing

responsibility　of　living　an　undiscovered　life？　Out　of　the

nothingness　and　the　undifferentiated　mass；　to　make　something　of

herself！　But　what？　In　the　obscurity　and　pathlessness　to　take　a

direction！　But　whither？　How　take　even　one　step？　And　yet；　how

stand　still？　This　was　torment　indeed；　to　inherit　the

responsibility　of　ones　own　life。

The　religion　which　had　been　another　world　for　her；　a　glorious

sort　of　play…world；　where　she　lived；　climbing　the　tree　with　the

short…statured　man；　walking　shakily　on　the　sea　like　the

disciple；　breaking　the　bread　into　five　thousand　portions；　like

the　Lord；　giving　a　great　picnic　to　five　thousand　people；　now

fell　away　from　reality；　and　became　a　tale；　a　myth；　an　illusion；

which；　however　much　one　might　assert　it　to　be　true　an　historical

fact；　one　knew　was　not　true……at　least；　for　this

present……day　life　of　ours。　There　could；　within　the　limits

of　this　life　we　know；　be　no　Feeding　of　the　Five　Thousand。　And

the　girl　had　e　to　the　point　where　she　held　that　that　which

one　cannot　experience　in　daily　life　is　not　true　for　oneself。

So；　the　old　duality　of　life；　wherein　there　had　been　a　weekday

world　of　people　and　trains　and　duties　and　reports；　and　besides

that　a　Sunday　world　of　absolute　truth　and　living　mystery；　of

walking　upon　the　waters　and　being　blinded　by　the　face　of　the

Lord；　of　following　the　pillar　of　cloud　across　the　desert　and

watching　the　bush　that　crackled　yet　did　not　burn　away；　this　old；

unquestioned　duality　suddenly　was　found　to　be　broken　apart。　The

weekday　world　had　triumphed　over　the　Sunday　world。　The　Sunday