小说园

第50部分（第6页）

real；　like　hallucinations；　sometimes　wagtails　ran　by　the　waters

brink；　sometimes　other　little　birds　came　to　drink。　She　saw　a

kingfisher　darting　blue……and　then　she　was　very　happy。　The

kingfisher　was　the　key　to　the　magic　world：　he　was　witness　of　the

border　of　enchantment。

But　she　must　move　out　of　the　intricately　woven　illusion　of

her　life：　the　illusion　of　a　father　whose　life　was　an　Odyssey　in

an　outer　world；　the　illusion　of　her　grandmother；　of　realities　so

shadowy　and　far…off　that　they　became　as　mystic

symbols：……peasant…girls　with　wreaths　of　blue　flowers　in

their　hair；　the　sledges　and　the　depths　of　winter；　the

dark…bearded　young　grandfather；　marriage　and　war　and　death；　then

the　multitude　of　illusions　concerning　herself；　how　she　was　truly

a　princess　of　Poland；　how　in　England　she　was　under　a　spell；　she

was　not　really　this　Ursula　Brangwen；　then　the　mirage　of　her

reading：　out　of　the　multicoloured　illusion　of　this　her　life；　she

must　move　on；　to　the　Grammar　School　in　Nottingham。

She　was　shy；　and　she　suffered。　For　one　thing；　she　bit　her

nails；　and　had　a　cruel　consciousness　in　her　finger…tips；　a

shame；　an　exposure。　Out　of　all　proportion；　this　shame　haunted

her。　She　spent　hours　of　torture；　conjuring　how　she　might　keep

her　gloves　on：　if　she　might　say　her　hands　were　scalded；　if　she

might　seem　to　forget　to　take　off　her　gloves。

For　she　was　going　to　inherit　her　own　estate；　when　she　went　to

the　High　School。　There；　each　girl　was　a　lady。　There；　she　was

going　to　walk　among　free　souls；　her　co…mates　and　her　equals；　and

all　petty　things　would　be　put　away。　Ah；　if　only　she　did　not　bite

her　nails！　If　only　she　had　not　this　blemish！　She　wanted　so　much

to　be　perfect……without　spot　or　blemish；　living　the　high；

noble　life。

It　was　a　grief　to　her　that　her　father　made　such　a　poor

introduction。　He　was　brief　a