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第12部分(第3页)

his heart seemed under the millstone of it; she became herself

like the upper millstone lying on him; crushing him; as

sometimes a heavy sky lies on the earth。

Yet he knew he could not tear her away from the heavy

obscurity into which she was merged。 He must not try to tear her

into recognition of himself; and agreement with himself。 It were

disastrous; impious。 So; let him rage as he might; he must

withhold himself。 But his wrists trembled and seemed mad; seemed

as if they would burst。

When; in November; the leaves came beating against the window

shutters; with a lashing sound; he started; and his eyes

flickered with flame。 The dog looked up at him; he sunk his head

to the fire。 But his wife was startled。 He was aware of her

listening。

〃They blow up with a rattle;〃 he said。

〃What?〃 she asked。

〃The leaves。〃

She sank away again。 The strange leaves beating in the wind

on the wood had e nearer than she。 The tension in the room

was overpowering; it was difficult for him to move his head。 He

sat with every nerve; every vein; every fibre of muscle in his

body stretched on a tension。 He felt like a broken arch thrust

sickeningly out from support。 For her response was gone; he

thrust at nothing。 And he remained himself; he saved himself

from crashing down into nothingness; from being squandered into

fragments; by sheer tension; sheer backward resistance。

During the last months of her pregnancy; he went about in a

surcharged; imminent state that did not exhaust itself。 She was

also depressed; and sometimes she cried。 It needed so much life

to begin afresh; after she had lost so lavishly。 Sometimes she

cried。 Then he stood stiff; feeling his heart would burst。 For

she did not want him; she did not want even to be made aware of

him。 By the very puckering of her face he knew that he must

stand back; leave her intact; alone。 For it was the old grief

e back in her; the old loss; the pain of the old life; the

dead husband; the dead children。 This was sacred to her; and he

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