the sea lit up below。 She was impassive and indifferent。 Yet she
was outside the enclosure of darkness。
There passed a space of shadow again; the familiarity of
dread…worship; during which she was moved; oblivious; to
Cossethay。 There; at first; there was nothing……just grey
nothing。 But then one morning there was a light from the yellow
jasmine caught her; and after that; morning and evening; the
persistent ringing of thrushes from the shrubbery; till her
heart; beaten upon; was forced to lift up its voice in rivalry
and answer。 Little tunes came into her mind。 She was full of
trouble almost like anguish。 Resistant; she knew she was beaten;
and from fear of darkness turned to fear of light。 She would
have hidden herself indoors; if she could。 Above all; she craved
for the peace and heavy oblivion of her old state。 She could not
bear to e to; to realize。 The first pangs of this new
parturition were so acute; she knew she could not bear it。 She
would rather remain out of life; than be torn; mutilated into
this birth; which she could not survive。 She had not the
strength to e to life now; in England; so foreign; skies so
hostile。 She knew she would die like an early; colourless;
scentless flower that the end of the winter puts forth
mercilessly。 And she wanted to harbour her modicum of twinkling
life。
But a sunshiny day came full of the scent of a mezereon tree;
when bees were tumbling into the yellow crocuses; and she
forgot; she felt like somebody else; not herself; a new person;
quite glad。 But she knew it was fragile; and she dreaded it。 The
vicar put pea…flower into the crocuses; for his bees to roll in;
and she laughed。 Then night came; with brilliant stars that she
knew of old; from her girlhood。 And they flashed so bright; she
knew they were victors。
She could neither wake nor sleep。 As if crushed between the
past and the future; like a flower that es above…ground to
find a great stone lying above it; she was helpless。
The bewilderment and helplessness continued; she was
surrounded by great moving masses that must crush her。 And there
was no escape。 Save in the old obliviousness; the cold darkness
she strove to retain。 But the vicar showed her eggs in the
thrushs nest near the back door。 She saw herself the
mother…thrush upon the nest; and the way her wings were spread;