小说园

第36部分（第4页）

earth？　Anna　only；　and　his　children；　and　his　life　with　his

children　and　her？　Was　there　no　more？

He　was　attended　by　a　sense　of　something　more；　something

further；　which　gave　him　absolute　being。　It　was　as　if　now　he

existed　in　Eternity；　let　Time　be　what　it　might。　What　was　there

outside？　The　fabricated　world；　that　he　did　not　believe　in？　What

should　he　bring　to　her；　from　outside？　Nothing？　Was　it　enough；　as

it　was？　He　was　troubled　in　his　acquiescence。　She　was　not　with

him。　Yet　he　scarcely　believed　in　himself；　apart　from　her；　though

the　whole　Infinite　was　with　him。　Let　the　whole　world　slide　down

and　over　the　edge　of　oblivion；　he　would　stand　alone。　But　he　was

unsure　of　her。　And　he　existed　also　in　her。　So　he　was　unsure。

He　hovered　near　to　her；　never　quite　able　to　forget　the　vague；

haunting　uncertainty；　that　seemed　to　challenge　him；　and　which　he

would　not　hear。　A　pang　of　dread；　almost　guilt；　as　of

insufficiency；　would　go　over　him　as　he　heard　her　talking　to　the

baby。　She　stood　before　the　window；　with　the　month…old　child　in

her　arms；　talking　in　a　musical；　young　sing…song　that　he　had　not

heard　before；　and　which　rang　on　his　heart　like　a　claim　from　the

distance；　or　the　voice　of　another　world　sounding　its　claim　on

him。　He　stood　near；　listening；　and　his　heart　surged；　surged　to

rise　and　submit。　Then　it　shrank　back　and　stayed　aloof。　He　could

not　move；　a　denial　was　upon　him；　as　if　he　could　not　deny

himself。　He　must；　he　must　be　himself。

〃Look　at　the　silly　blue…caps；　my　beauty；〃　she　crooned；

holding　up　the　infant　to　the　window；　where　shone　the　white

garden；　and　the　blue…tits　scuffling　in　the　snow：　〃Look　at　the

silly　blue…caps；　my　darling；　having　a　fight　in　the　snow！　Look　at

them；　my　bird……beating　the　snow　about　with　their　wings；　and

shaking　their　heads。　Oh；　arent　they　wicked　things；　wicked

things！　Look　at　their　yellow　feathers　on　the　snow　there！　Theyll

miss　them；　wont　they；　when　theyre　cold　later　on。

〃Must　we　tell　them　to　stop；　must　we　say　stop　it　to　them；　my

bird？　But　they　are　naughty；　naughty！　Look　at　them！〃　Suddenly　her

voice　broke　loud　and　fierce；　she　rapped　the　pane　sharply。

〃Stop　it；〃　she　cried；　〃stop　it；　you　little　nuisances。　Stop

it！〃　She　called　louder；　and　rapped　the　pane　more　sharply。　Her

voice　was　fierce　and　imperative。

〃Have　more　sense；〃　she　cried。

〃There；　now　theyre　gone。　Where　have　they　gone；　the　silly