小说园

第49部分（第2页）

had　been！　Why　had　he　been　her　lord？　He　seemed　now　so　far　off；　so

without　bearing　on　her。

〃Which　did　you；　grandmother？〃

〃What？〃

〃Like　best。〃

〃I　liked　them　both。　I　married　the　first　when　I　was　quite　a

girl。　Then　I　loved　your　grandfather　when　I　was　a　woman。　There　is

a　difference。〃

They　were　silent　for　a　time。

〃Did　you　cry　when　my　first　grandfather　died？〃　the　child

asked。

Lydia　Brangwen　rocked　herself　on　the　bed；　thinking　aloud。

〃When　we　came　to　England；　he　hardly　ever　spoke；　he　was　too

much　concerned　to　take　any　notice　of　anybody。　He　grew　thinner

and　thinner；　till　his　cheeks　were　hollow　and　his　mouth　stuck

out。　He　wasnt　handsome　any　more。　I　knew　he　couldnt　bear　being

beaten；　I　thought　everything　was　lost　in　the　world。　Only　I　had

your　mother　a　baby；　it　was　no　use　my　dying。

〃He　looked　at　me　with　his　black　eyes；　almost　as　if　he　hated

me；　when　he　was　ill；　and　said；　It　only　wanted　this。　It　only

wanted　that　I　should　leave　you　and　a　young　child　to　starve　in

this　London。　I　told　him　we　should　not　starve。　But　I　was　young；

and　foolish；　and　frightened；　which　he　knew。

〃He　was　bitter；　and　he　never　gave　way。　He　lay　beating　his

brains；　to　see　what　he　could　do。　I　dont　know　what　you　will

do；　he　said。　I　am　no　good；　I　am　a　failure　from　beginning　to

end。　I　cannot　even　provide　for　my　wife　and　child！

〃But　you　see；　it　was　not　for　him　to　provide　for　us。　My　life

went　on；　though　his　stopped；　and　I　married　your　grandfather。

〃I　ought　to　have　known；　I　ought　to　have　been　able　to　say　to

him：　Dont　be　so　bitter；　dont　die　because　this　has　failed。　You

are　not　the　beginning　and　the　end。　But　I　was　too　young；　he　had

never　let　me　bee　myself；　I　thought　he　was　truly　the　beginning

and　the　end。　So　I　let　him　take　all　upon　himself。　Yet　all　did　not

depend　on　him。　Life　must　go　on；　and　I　must　marry　your