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第41部分(第5页)

three young children。 Also at this time his health was not good。

So he was haggard and irritable; often a pest in the house。 Then

he was told to go to his woodwork; or to the church。

Between him and the little Ursula there came into being a

strange alliance。 They were aware of each other。 He knew the

child was always on his side。 But in his consciousness he

counted it for nothing。 She was always for him。 He took it for

granted。 Yet his life was based on her; even whilst she was a

tiny child; on her support and her accord。

Anna continued in her violent trance of motherhood; always

busy; often harassed; but always contained in her trance of

motherhood。 She seemed to exist in her own violent fruitfulness;

and it was as if the sun shone tropically on her。 Her colour was

bright; her eyes full of a fecund gloom; her brown hair tumbled

loosely over her ears。 She had a look of richness。 No

responsibility; no sense of duty troubled her。 The outside;

public life was less than nothing to her; really。

Whereas when; at twenty…six; he found himself father of four

children; with a wife who lived intrinsically like the ruddiest

lilies of the field; he let the weight of responsibility press

on him and drag him。 It was then that his child Ursula strove to

be with him。 She was with him; even as a baby of four; when he

was irritable and shouted and made the household unhappy。 She

suffered from his shouting; but somehow it was not really him。

She wanted it to be over; she wanted to resume her normal

connection with him。 When he was disagreeable; the child echoed

to the crying of some need in him; and she responded blindly。

Her heart followed him as if he had some tie with her; and some

love which he could not deliver。 Her heart followed him

persistently; in its love。

But there was the dim; childish sense of her own smallness

and inadequacy; a fatal sense of worthlessness。 She could not do

anything; she was not enough。 She could not be important to him。

This knowledge deadened her from the first。

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