小说园

第9章 被遗忘的时光3（第1页）

n，insomewhatamoreheightenedtone，Itoldhow，thoughtheirgreat-grandmotherFieldlovedallhergrand-children，yetinanesecialmannershemightbesaidtolovetheiruncle，JohnL。—，becausehewassohandsomeandsiritedayouth，andakingtotherestofus；and，insteadofmoingaboutinsolitarycomers，likesomeofus，hewouldmountthemostmettlesomehorsehecouldget，whenbutanimnobiggerthanthemselves，andmakeitcarryhimhalfoverthecountyinamorning，andjointhehunterswhentherewereanyout—andyethelovedtheoldgreathouseandgardenstoo，buthadtoomuchsirittobealwaysentuwithintheirbounties—andhowtheirunclegrewutoman’sestateasbraveashewashandsome，totheadmirationofeverybody，butoftheirgreat-grandmotherFieldmostesecially；andhowheusedtocarrymeuonhisbackwhenIwasalame—footedboy—forhewasagoodbitolderthanme—manyamilewhenIcouldnotwalkforain；—andhowinafterlifehebecamelame-footedtoo，andIdidnotalways（Ifear）makeallowancesenoughforhimwhenhewasimatientandinain，norremembersufficientlyhowconsideratehehadbeentomewhenIwaslame-footed；andhowwhenhedied，thoughhehadnotbeendeadanhour，itseemedasifhehaddiedagreatwhileago，suchadistancethereisbetwixtlifeanddeath；andhowIborehisdeathaskthoughtrettywellatfirst，butafterwardsithauntedandhauntedme；andthoughIdidnotcryortakeittoheartassomedo，andasIthinkhewouldhavedoneifIhaddied，yetImissedhimalldaylong，andknewnottillthenhowmuchIhadlovedhim，Imissedhiskindness，andImissedhiscrossness，andwishedhimtobealiveagain，tobequarrellingwithhim（forwequarreledsometimes），ratherthannothavehimagain，andwasasuneasywithouthim，ashetheiroorunclemusthavebeenwhenthedoctortookoffhislimboHerethechildrenfellacrying，andaskediftheirlittlemourningwhichtheyhadonwasnotforuncleJohn，andtheylookedu，andrayedmenottogoonabouttheiruncle，buttotellthemsomestoriesabouttheirrettydeadmother。

ThenItoldhowforsevenlongyears，inhoesometimes，sometimesindesair，yetersistingever，IcourtedthefairAliceW。and，asmuchaschildrencouldunderstand，Iexlainedtothemwhatcoyness，anddifficulty，anddenialmeantinmadness—whensuddenlyturningtoAlice，thesoulofthefirstAlicelookedoutathereyeswithsucharealityofreresentment，thatIbecameindoubtwhichofthemstoodtherebeforeme，orwhosethatbrighthairwas；andwhilestoodgazing，boththechildrengraduallygrewfaintertomyview，receding，andstillreceding，fillnothingatlastbuttwomournfulfeatureswereseenintheuttermostdistance，which，withoutseech，strangelyimresseduonmetheeffectsofseech：“WearenotofAlice，norofthee，norarewechildrenatall。ThechildrenofAlicecallBarmanfather。Wearenothing；lessthannothing，anddreams。Weareonlywhatmighthavebeen，andmustwaituonthetediousshoresofLethemillionsofagesbeforewehaveexistence，andaname”andimmediatelyawaking，Ifoundmyselfquietlyseatedinmybachelorarmchair，whereIhadfallenaslee，withthefaithfulBridgetunchangedbymyside—butJohnL。（orJamesElia）wasgoneforever。

人的青春

Man’sYouth

托马斯·沃尔夫

ThomasWolfe

人的青春是件令人惊奇的事：它充满苦恼和神奇，直到青春逝去，他才明白青春的真正内涵。青春是一个人不肯轻易失去的东西，每当他怀着无尽的悲痛和悔恨，亲眼看着青春流逝，他一定会遗憾终身。但是对于青春的逝去，他又怀着一种忧愁而神秘的快感，即使有种魔力能让他青春永驻，他也永远不愿再次重新体验。

这是为什么呢？因为在青春期，生命的奇异和苦涩表现得最为显著。但是，这种生命的奇异和苦涩的本质是什么呢？它让我们在年轻的时候带着苦痛和喜悦，感觉如此强烈，如此难以形容。其本质就是：即便我们富有，却很贫穷；即便权势在握，却一无所有；即便到处看着、吸着、闻着、尝着这世上不计其数的财富和荣耀，以无可争议的自信断定这精彩人生的所有组成结构——最多的幸运、财富、人类生活中最美好快乐的生活——属于我们——在我们准备一投足、一举手、一开口的瞬间，就会立刻、马上、永远地归我们所有——然而，我们感到能真正保留、维持、带走和拥有的实际上什么都没有。一切都过去了，没有什么会持久不变：我们才把它放到手上，它就烟消云散，不复存在；魔鬼又开始吞噬我们的心灵；然后我们才看清自己，看清我们生命的方向。

年轻人强健、疯狂、自信，同样也会很失落。他拥有一切，却无以致用，他永远都靠着强健的体魄，对着心中的障碍知难而上；他是一股波浪，在无限的苍穹下，在海洋中爆发自己的力量，他伸出手，去抓一缕着色的轻烟；他想拥有一切，渴求世间所有的东西，觉得自己有力量得到它们，结果却徒劳无功。最后，自己的力量毁灭了他，自己的欲望吞噬了他，自己的财富让他变得一贫如洗。在钱财和物质财富积累方面没有规划，到最后还是自己的贪婪打倒了自己——即便是米达斯国王的欲望与其相比，也显得无足轻重。

当青春已逝，每个人都会怀着无尽的悲哀和遗憾回首那段生活，其原因也在于此。一个人自己荒废自己的伟大天赋；自己有成就一切事业的能力，却从未使用，知道了这一切，他就会感到更悲痛、更悔恨。

Man’syouthisawonderfulthing。Itissofullofanguishandofmagicandhenevercomestoknowitasitis，untilithasgonefromhimforever。Itisthethinghecannotbeartolose，itisthethingwhoseassinghewatcheswithinfinitesorrowandregret，itisthethingwhoselosshemustlamentforever，anditisthethingwhoselosshereallywelcomeswithasadandsecretjoy，thethinghewouldneverwillinglyreliveagain，coulditberestoredtohimbyanymagic。

Whyisthis？Thereasonisthatthestrangeandbittermiracleoflifeisnowhereelsesoevidentasinouryouth。Andwhatistheessenceofthatstrangeandbittermiracleoflifewhichwefeelsooignantly，sounutterably，withsuchabitterainandjoy，whenweareyoung？Itisthis：thatbeingrich，wearesooor；thatbeingmighty，wecanyethavenothing；thatseeing，breathing，smelling，tastingallaroundustheimossiblewealthandgloryofthisearth，feelingwithanintolerablecertitudethatthewholestructureoftheenchantedlife—themostfortunate，wealthy，goodandhaylifethatanymanhaseverknown—isours—isoursatonce，immediatelyandforever，themomentthatwechoosetotakeaste，orstretchahand，orsayaword—weyetknowthatwecanreallykee，hold，take，andossessforever—nothing。Allasses；nothinglasts；themomentthatweutourhanduonit，itmeltsawaylikesmoke，isgoneforever，andthesnakeiseatingatourheartagain；weseethenwhatweareandwhatourlivesmustcometo。