小说园

第42部分（第4页）

outward　malevolence　that　was　against　her。　And　very　early；　she

learned　that　even　her　adored　father　was　part　of　this

malevolence。　And　very　early　she　learned　to　harden　her　soul　in

resistance　and　denial　of　all　that　was　outside　her；　harden

herself　upon　her　own　being。

She　never　felt　sorry　for　what　she　had　done；　she　never　forgave

those　who　had　made　her　guilty。　If　he　had　said　to　her；　〃Why；

Ursula；　did　you　trample　my　carefully…made　bed？〃　that　would　have

hurt　her　to　the　quick；　and　she　would　have　done　anything　for　him。

But　she　was　always　tormented　by　the　unreality　of　outside　things。

The　earth　was　to　walk　on。　Why　must　she　avoid　a　certain　patch；

just　because　it　was　called　a　seed…bed？　It　was　the　earth　to　walk

on。　This　was　her　instinctive　assumption。　And　when　he　bullied

her；　she　became　hard；　cut　herself　off　from　all　connection；　lived

in　the　little　separate　world　of　her　own　violent　will。

As　she　grew　older；　five；　six；　seven；　the　connection　between

her　and　her　father　was　even　stronger。　Yet　it　was　always

straining　to　break。　She　was　always　relapsing　on　her　own　violent

will　into　her　own　separate　world　of　herself。　This　made　him　grind

his　teeth　with　bitterness；　for　he　still　wanted　her。　But　she

could　harden　herself　into　her　own　selfs　universe；

impregnable。

He　was　very　fond　of　swimming；　and　in　warm　weather　would　take

her　down　to　the　canal；　to　a　silent　place；　or　to　a　big　pond　or

reservoir；　to　bathe。　He　would　take　her　on　his　back　as　he　went

swimming；　and　she　clung　close；　feeling　his　strong　movement　under

her；　so　strong；　as　if　it　would　uphold　all　the　world。　Then　he

taught　her　to　swim。

She　was　a　fearless　little　thing；　when　he　dared　her。　And　he

had　a　curious　craving　to　frighten　her；　to　see　what　she　would　do

with　him。　He　said；　would　she　ride　on　his　back　whilst　he　jumped

off　the　canal　bridge　down　into　the　water　beneath。

She　would。　He　loved　to　feel　the　naked　child　clinging　on　to

his　shoulders。　There　was　a　curious　fight　between　their　two