小说园

第3部分（第4页）

She　was　the　anchor　and　the　security；　she　was　the　restraining

hand　of　God；　at　times　highly　to　be　execrated。

Now　when　Tom　Brangwen；　at　nineteen；　a　youth　fresh　like　a

plant；　rooted　in　his　mother　and　his　sister；　found　that　he　had

lain　with　a　prostitute　woman　in　a　mon　public　house；　he　was

very　much　startled。　For　him　there　was　until　that　time　only　one

kind　of　woman……his　mother　and　sister。

But　now？　He　did　not　know　what　to　feel。　There　was　a　slight

wonder；　a　pang　of　anger；　of　disappointment；　a　first　taste　of　ash

and　of　cold　fear　lest　this　was　all　that　would　happen；　lest　his

relations　with　woman　were　going　to　be　no　more　than　this

nothingness；　there　was　a　slight　sense　of　shame　before　the

prostitute；　fear　that　she　would　despise　him　for　his

inefficiency；　there　was　a　cold　distaste　for　her；　and　a　fear　of

her；　there　was　a　moment　of　paralyzed　horror　when　he　felt　he

might　have　taken　a　disease　from　her；　and　upon　all　this　startled

tumult　of　emotion；　was　laid　the　steadying　hand　of　mon　sense；

which　said　it　did　not　matter　very　much；　so　long　as　he　had　no

disease。　He　soon　recovered　balance；　and　really　it　did　not　matter

so　very　much。

But　it　had　shocked　him；　and　put　a　mistrust　into　his　heart；

and　emphasized　his　fear　of　what　was　within　himself。　He　was；

however；　in　a　few　days　going　about　again　in　his　own　careless；

happy…go…lucky　fashion；　his　blue　eyes　just　as　clear　and　honest

as　ever；　his　face　just　as　fresh；　his　appetite　just　as　keen。

Or　apparently　so。　He　had；　in　fact；　lost　some　of　his　buoyant

confidence；　and　doubt　hindered　his　outgoing。

For　some　time　after　this；　he　ore　conscious　when

he　drank；　more　backward　from　panionship。　The　disillusion　of

his　first　carnal　contact　with　woman；　strengthened　by　his　innate

desire　to　find　in　a　woman　the　embodiment　of　all　his

inarticulate；　powerful　religious　impulses；　put　a　bit　in　his

mouth。　He　had　something　to　lose　which　he　was　afraid　of　losing；

which　he　was　not　sure　even　of　possessing。　This　first　affair　did

not　matter　much：　but　the　business　of　love　was；　at　the　bottom　of

his　soul；　the　most　serious　and　terrifying　of　all　to　him。

He　was　tormented　now　with　sex　desire；　his　imagination

reverted　always　to　lustful　scenes。　But　what　really　prevented　his