小说园

第3部分（第5页）

returning　to　a　loose　woman；　over　and　above　the　natural

squeamishness；　was　the　recollection　of　the　paucity　of　the　last

experience。　It　had　been　so　nothing；　so　dribbling　and　functional；

that　he　was　ashamed　to　expose　himself　to　the　risk　of　a

repetition　of　it。

He　made　a　strong；　instinctive　fight　to　retain　his　native

cheerfulness　unimpaired。　He　had　naturally　a　plentiful　stream　of

life　and　humour；　a　sense　of　sufficiency　and　exuberance；　giving

ease。　But　now　it　tended　to　cause　tension。　A　strained　light　came

into　his　eyes；　he　had　a　slight　knitting　of　the　brows。　His

boisterous　humour　gave　place　to　lowering　silences；　and　days

passed　by　in　a　sort　of　suspense。

He　did　not　know　there　was　any　difference　in　him；　exactly；　for

the　most　part　he　was　filled　with　slow　anger　and　resentment。　But

he　knew　he　was　always　thinking　of　women；　or　a　woman；　day　in；　day

out；　and　that　infuriated　him。　He　could　not　get　free：　and　he　was

ashamed。　He　had　one　or　two　sweethearts；　starting　with　them　in

the　hope　of　speedy　development。　But　when　he　had　a　nice　girl；　he

found　that　he　was　incapable　of　pushing　the　desired　development。

The　very　presence　of　the　girl　beside　him　made　it　impossible。　He

could　not　think　of　her　like　that；　he　could　not　think　of　her

actual　nakedness。　She　was　a　girl　and　he　liked　her；　and　dreaded

violently　even　the　thought　of　uncovering　her。　He　knew　that；　in

these　last　issues　of　nakedness；　he　did　not　exist　to　her　nor　she

to　him。　Again；　if　he　had　a　loose　girl；　and　things　began　to

develop；　she　offended　him　so　deeply　all　the　time；　that　he　never

knew　whether　he　was　going　to　get　away　from　her　as　quickly　as

possible；　or　whether　he　were　going　to　take　her　out　of　inflamed

necessity。　Again　he　learnt　his　lesson：　if　he　took　her　it　was　a

paucity　which　he　was　forced　to　despise。　He　did　not　despise

himself　nor　the　girl。　But　he　despised　the　net　result　in　him　of

the　experience……he　despised　it　deeply　and　bitterly。

Then；　when　he　was　twenty…three；　his　mother　died；　and　he　was

left　at　home　with　Effie。　His　mothers　death　was　another　blow　out

of　the　dark。　He　could　not　understand　it；　he　knew　it　was