小说园

第93部分（第3页）

Under　all　her　illness；　persisted　a　deep；　inalterable

knowledge。

She　knew；　and　she　cared　no　more。　Throughout　her　illness；

distorted　into　vague　forms；　persisted　the　question　of　herself

and　Skrebensky；　like　a　gnawing　ache　that　was　still　superficial；

and　did　not　touch　her　isolated；　impregnable　core　of　reality。　But

the　corrosion　of　him　burned　in　her　till　it　burned　itself

out。

Must　she　belong　to　him；　must　she　adhere　to　him？　Something

pelled　her；　and　yet　it　was　not　real。　Always　the　ache；　the

ache　of　unreality；　of　her　belonging　to　Skrebensky。　What　bound

her　to　him　when　she　was　not　bound　to　him？　Why　did　the　falsity

persist？　Why　did　the　falsity　gnaw；　gnaw；　gnaw　at　her；　why　could

she　not　wake　up　to　clarity；　to　reality。　If　she　could　but　wake

up；　if　she　could　but　wake　up；　the　falsity　of　the　dream；　of　her

connection　with　Skrebensky；　would　be　gone。　But　the　sleep；　the

delirium　pinned　her　down。　Even　when　she　was　calm　and　sober　she

was　in　its　spell。

Yet　she　was　never　in　its　spell。　What　extraneous　thing　bound

her　to　him？　There　was　some　bond　put　upon　her。　Why　could　she　not

break　it　through？　What　was　it？　What　was　it？

In　her　delirium　she　beat　and　beat　at　the　question。　And　at

last　her　weariness　gave　her　the　answer……it　was　the　child。

The　child　bound　her　to　him。　The　child　was　like　a　bond　round　her

brain；　tightened　on　her　brain。　It　bound　her　to　Skrebensky。

But　why；　why　did　it　bind　her　to　Skrebensky？　Could　she　not

have　a　child　of　herself？　Was　not　the　child　her　own　affair？　all

her　own　affair？　What　had　it　to　do　with　him？　Why　must　she　be

bound；　aching　and　cramped　with　the　bondage；　to　Skrebensky　and

Skrebenskys　world？　Antons　world：　it　became　in　her　feverish

brain　a　pression　which　enclosed　her。　If　she　could　not　get　out

of　the　pression　she　would　go　mad。　The　pression　was　Anton

and　Antons　world；　not　the　Anton　she　possessed；　but　the　Anton

she　did　not　possess；　that　which　was　owned　by　some　other

influence；　by　the　world。

She　fought　and　fought　and　fought　all　through　her　illness　to

be　free　of　him　and　his　world；　to　put　it　aside；　to　put　it　aside；

into　its　place。　Yet　ever　anew　it　gained　ascendency　over　her；　it

laid　new　hold　on　her。　Oh；　the　unutterable　weariness　of　her