小说园

第93部分（第4页）

flesh；　which　she　could　not　cast　off；　nor　yet　extricate。　If　she

could　but　extricate　herself；　if　she　could　but　disengage　herself

from　feeling；　from　her　body；　from　all　the　vast　encumbrances　of

the　world　that　was　in　contact　with　her；　from　her　father；　and　her

mother；　and　her　lover；　and　all　her　acquaintance。

Repeatedly；　in　an　ache　of　utter　weariness　she　repeated：　〃I

have　no　father　nor　mother　nor　lover；　I　have　no　allocated　place

in　the　world　of　things；　I　do　not　belong　to　Beldover　nor　to

Nottingham　nor　to　England　nor　to　this　world；　they　none　of　them

exist；　I　am　trammelled　and　entangled　in　them；　but　they　are　all

unreal。　I　must　break　out　of　it；　like　a　nut　from　its　shell　which

is　an　unreality。〃

And　again；　to　her　feverish　brain；　came　the　vivid　reality　of

acorns　in　February　lying　on　the　floor　of　a　wood　with　their

shells　burst　and　discarded　and　the　kernel　issued　naked　to　put

itself　forth。　She　was　the　naked；　clear　kernel　thrusting　forth

the　clear；　powerful　shoot；　and　the　world　was　a　bygone　winter；

discarded；　her　mother　and　father　and　Anton；　and　college　and　all

her　friends；　all　cast　off　like　a　year　that　has　gone　by；　whilst

the　kernel　was　free　and　naked　and　striving　to　take　new　root；　to

create　a　new　knowledge　of　Eternity　in　the　flux　of　Time。　And　the

kernel　was　the　only　reality；　the　rest　was　cast　off　into

oblivion。

This　grew　and　grew　upon　her。　When　she　opened　her　eyes　in　the

afternoon　and　saw　the　window　of　her　room　and　the　faint；　smoky

landscape　beyond；　this　was　all　husk　and　shell　lying　by；　all　husk

and　shell；　she　could　see　nothing　else；　she　was　enclosed　still；

but　loosely　enclosed。　There　was　a　space　between　her　and　the

shell。　It　was　burst；　there　was　a　rift　in　it。　Soon　she　would　have

her　root　fixed　in　a　new　Day；　her　nakedness　would　take　itself　the

bed　of　a　new　sky　and　a　new　air；　this　old；　decaying；　fibrous　husk

would　be　gone。

Gradually　she　began　really　to　sleep。　She　slept　in　the

confidence　of　her　new　reality。　She　slept　breathing　with　her　soul

the　new　air　of　a　new　world。　The　peace　was　very　deep　and

enrichening。　She　had　her　root　in　new　ground；　she　was　gradually

absorbed　into　growth。

When　she　woke　at　last　it　seemed　as　if　a　new　day　had　e　on

the　earth。　How　long；　how　long　had　she　fought　through　the　dust